Letting the warmth in
by Rosieflower
Summary: He couldn't help but think how long would the cold be able to save him. How long would he take to finally melt. He was not supposed to be breaking like this. But there was something in those emerald eyes that always threatened to melt a part of him. Sirius/Lily First fic ever. Please review.


He sat by the lake, alone, lost in thought. Again. His aristocratic, handsome features perfectly radiant in the silver moonlight. His striking grey eyes, matching the sky, shadowed by his thick black locks. Every inch of him struggling; indulged in the ritual of trying to keep her away from his wandering mind.

No other being in sight, the Hogwarts grounds were filled with an ominous, brittle silence. With winter fast approaching, every surface, every blade of grass and twig fully prepared to be enveloped in the blanket of frost.

As he gazed in distance, Sirius saw the low fog that clung, hiding the tree tops. He felt it too- the winters breath slowly creeping under his clothes. Everything seemed bitterly frigid and numb just like he wished his heart to become. He didn't even bother casting a quick warming spell. He won't be needing it, not while trying to numb his senses, restricting his thoughts to a minimum. He was letting the swift wind pull the remaining heat from his marrow, hoping it would help him get rid of every shard of emotion.

Emotions. Feelings. He had been fine without them, excellent even. Not like some bloody messed up, _helpless_ freak he had become lately. All thoughts, nothing less than torture. Fighting his own heart was no child's play. He couldn't believe it. It couldn't possibly be 'love'. No fucking way. Never in a million years. No. Just _no_.

Temporary attractions, fine with him. Flings, not a problem. Meaningless, rarely lasting relationships, that he did. But if there was one thing that Sirius Black didn't do that was _love_. Because love would mean risking great pain. It would feel like being utterly lost. Love would mean that he is no longer the master but the.. puppet..instead. All his strings in someone else's- in her hands. He couldn't let that happen. It was _Lily_ _Evans_ for goodness sake. _Why_ did it have to be her.

Cursing, he took a deep breath. Each shaky breath coming out as vapour. He couldn't help but think how long would the cold be able to save him. How long would he take to finally melt. He hated himself for that. It was taking every inch of him to resist it. This was not supposed to happen. Ever. He was not supposed to be breaking like this. But there was something in those emerald eyes, the ones he was so unsuccessfully trying not to remember, that was so beautiful, so soft, so captivating, with a warmth that would always melt a part of him. _If only she had any idea what she did to him. Oh God if only he could have her. If only-_

He was abruptly dragged out of his thoughts by someone calling out his name. In distance.

"Sirius?" she called

He felt his eyes close, immediately recognising that voice.

"Sirius?" her voice nearing, sending shivers down his spine.

A part of him wanted her never to find him. While another part craved her presence.

"Here you are," she said finding him finally.

"Oh, hey Evans," he muttered without looking at her. "What brings you here?"

She seemed a bit out of breath, voice a bit shaky. She sighed, "I came here looking for you of course . What are you doing here anyway? It's almost curfew."

"Nothing much, just clearing my mind, that's all." He casually replied.

"Oh _please_. That's definitely not true. It possibly can't be the only reason that you disappear every night and come here like this. Who do you think you're fooling, Black?" She laughed.

"No I- There's..There's nothing like that," he protested weakly. He didn't know what to say. It happened every _freaking_ time she was near. He was trying his best not to look at her.

Lily was suddenly sure there was something bothering him but he was hiding it. Sighing deeply, she gradually moved forward, placing a hand on his shoulder, forcing him to look at her. He turned. And damn there it was again, the same warmth. Her green eyes filled with concern, piercing through his. Sirius felt like drowning in them. He noticed how her cheeks were a beautiful shade of scarlet exactly like her hair. Her lips slightly parted, he wondered how they would feel against his own.

Seeing him lost in thought again, lily spoke softly " I know there's something you're hiding Sirius. And it's consuming you. You seem so lost all the time. You barely talk to anyone. Specially not.. me. What's wrong? Talk to me. I might be able to help.."

Sirius jerked away from her grip facing away immediately. He had to or he might have lost all control. "I told you there's nothing like that!" he responded coldly. "Besides you won't understand so don't bother," he added in a barely audible voice. Lily felt like he stabbed her with his words. How could he think like that! Nobody could ever tell Lily Evans that _she_ 'wouldn't understand.' Enraged, she almost shouted "What? What did you just say? _I_ wouldn't understand?! How can you even think that?" She looked _hurt_. Sirius hated himself for making her feel like that. "Lily please- please just go inside. It's freezing. This isn't something.. so easy. You won't ever get it. It's not something so-"

Lily didn't let him finish, "Try me, Black!" her voice firm.

Sirius didn't know if it was the extreme vulnerability or a moment of pure desire that without waiting for a single second he turned, grabbed her by the shoulders and crushed his lips onto hers; desperate, hungry, _searching_. Taking in all the warmth, finally giving in, he kissed her like his life depended on it. Like it was the answer to all her questions. Like.. But without giving Lily anytime to push him away or even respond, he pulled away. Realising what he had done, he started backing away. Sliding his hands through his hair, he constantly apologised, "Shit! I'm- I'm so sorry Lily! I tried to tell you- really..sorry.." Not wanting to face her anymore, Sirius practically ran towards the castle.

Lily stood there completely amazed. She couldn't believe what just happened. Did Sirius Black actually kiss her? Was this why he was trying to stay away from her? Did he really have feelings for her? Could _she_ have that sort of affect on him? Bringing a hand to her lips, she smiled in realisation. Something inside her wanted to go to him, an overwhelming urge to be near him took over her like she needed that to survive. Wasting no more time, she rushed behind him. Almost running, she could feel the teasing, icy wind glide through her hair.

Reaching inside, she found the corridors deserted. Turning corners in haste, she finally found him making his way towards the Gryffindor tower. "Sirius! Please wait!" she called, panting. Stopping immediately, Sirius turned, his expression slightly puzzled. He had thought she would never even look at him after what he did, let alone talk to him. He started apologising again"Lily..I'm really sorry, please-"

"No, Sirius. Don't," she moved closer, forcing Sirius to step backwards, his back hitting the stone wall. "You don't get it, do you?" She continued, "This is not how it's done, Sirius Black." He opened his mouth to say something but she didn't let him. Inching a bit closer, eyes fixed onto his, she whispered "You can't just start something so beautiful and not finish it properly." And without even waiting for a response, Lily leaned in and captured his lips in a lingering kiss. Sirius responded immediately, pulling her closer, hands on her waist, her arms sliding slowly around his neck. Never in a million years would he have thought that Lily Evans would kiss him like this.

The kiss was nothing like the previous. It was gentle at first but then full of passion. No rush. No fear. Bodies fitting perfectly against each other.

Her lips were soft and warm against his and she tasted like chocolate and mint. His first taste of her; better than every imagination.

One hand slid up in her hair, the other cupped her face as he pressed himself against her, sucking on her bottom lip. Lily gasped and his tongue swiped inside her mouth savouring every inch of her. She moaned softly as a groan escaped his throat. They kissed like they couldn't get enough of each other. If this wasn't what perfection felt like, they wouldn't know what did.

They pulled away for air after what felt like eternity. Their foreheads resting against each other, eyes filled with same want and warmth. Both of them feeling incomplete suddenly.

"If there is anything better than quidditch, it's snogging you," Sirius grinned at her.

Blushing, Lily smiled biting her lip. She was seeing Sirius happy after such a long time, she had almost forgotten how handsome he looked that way. She was more than glad to be the reason.

"You look good when you smile," she said softly.

"I always look good, love," he winked at her.

Lily laughed, playfully rolling her eyes at him, while his hand reached for hers as they began walking towards the common room slowly, her head resting on his shoulder.

And in that exact moment, Sirius felt like the luckiest person alive. He felt _complete_. And he knew that if love would feel like being utterly lost, he was more than ready to be lost in those emerald orbs. And he knew that if love meant risking great pain, it would be worth it. And if it would mean that all his strings would be in her hands, he wouldn't want it to be any other way.

He was not afraid to let the warmth in. Not anymore.


End file.
